Monday, May 16, 2011

Somewhere over the rainbow

I just sang "somewhere over the rainbow" to Jack.  I cried the entire time I sang it.  Today has been a rough day. I'll sum it up with work, life, and daycare.  I think that covers about all of it.  Sometimes the days go by and there is so much love and happiness and fulfillment.  Then there are days like today.  Lots of tears, anger and pain.  There seem to be more days like to today recently.  I am sure it has to do with the fact that I am pretty tired and life has thrown some amazing curve balls over the past year, but the only 2 things that consume my thoughts are Jack and Family.  I want my sweet son to feel loved.  I want him to feel valuable.  I want him to be happy and know that our home is safe and that my arms will never tire of holding him.  And I want him to have more than just me.  I pray for that every day and every night.  So, today we got home after a long day.  My favorite teacher of his, LaCreta is no longer at his daycare and I am really really sad. I wonder if the other teachers will give him the love and attention that she did.  I wonder if they will remember to include him and move him around like she did. I wonder if they will challenge him and work with him like she did.  I am so sad.  I have entrusted her with my son for the past 2 years almost.  When I picked up Jack today he was sitting alone.  And I was pissed.  I hope this afternoon is not an indication of how his day went.  I picked him up, hugged him and we came home - ate dinner and then he just wanted to cuddle. So, I let him.  And I just held him and told him how much I love him and sang songs to him.  And when I got to Somewhere over the Rainbow I wept.

Here are the lyrics:
Somewhere over the rainbow
Way up high,
There's a land that I heard of
Once in a lullaby.

Somewhere over the rainbow
Skies are blue,
And the dreams that you dare to dream
Really do come true.

Someday I'll wish upon a star
And wake up where the clouds are far
Behind me.
Where troubles melt like lemon drops
Away above the chimney tops
That's where you'll find me.

Somewhere over the rainbow
Bluebirds fly.
Birds fly over the rainbow.
Why then, oh why can't I?

If happy little bluebirds fly
Beyond the rainbow
Why, oh why can't I?

The premise of the song is really getting to a place beyond worries and stress.  I want to go there.  I want Jack and I both to dream dreams that really do come true.  I want to create a different world for him.  For Us.  I admit as he is approaching 2 years old, I see the delays.  And it's really really really really really hard.  It's hard on so many levels.  It's hard when friends talk about what there kids are doing and saying. It's hard telling people he is 2 when he is so much smaller and not walking - they look at me with weird faces.  It's hard when I don't know what he wants and he is trying to communicate.  That's the hardest. Sometimes I wish there were no milestones so that when they weren't met - they didn't breed such pain in parents - that way they could only be celebrated.  I don't think God would want us judging our children by how quickly they stand or walk or talk - yet our world is consumed with it.  Our world is consumed with standards. I remember a verse I don't even know where it's at, but about God looking at the heart of man - whereas man looks at the outside.  I wish our world were like that.  And it's nights like tonight - after I have put him down - that I want a partner - someone to hug and remind me of that - that Jack's heart is the most important part - that his ability to love and feel love is more powerful and shaping than milestones and that it's ok.   Someone to remind me of life after this one.  Someone to remind me that God has plan and purpose. 

Ok, I am done venting. Thanks to those of you who read.  This is like a diary to me - except that the entire world can see it.  But I am completely honest and I know you all read at your own risk.




10 comments:

  1. I'm just so sorry you're having a rough day or a rough year. I so wish Jack could have that fatherly figure he deserves and that you could have that husband that you deserve. It will happen. I know this has got to be so hard doing it all alone but you seem to do it so well. Praying for you Brandi!!

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  2. Shoot, I cried through this entire post. I guess I wanted to just tell you to hang in there, you are doing so great, Jack is so blessed to have such a strong Mother...One who would do anything just to make him happy. Again, I have to say I admire the strength you show...Being a single Mom must be extremly difficult at times. Sending you a hug, and hoping tomorrow is a better day for you :)

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  3. I'm sorry you're having a lousy time. We all do, but then the internet is there to push (or bully) us back up. For the record that song makes me teary even on my best days.

    I don't see her on your blogroll, but please go read this: http://starrlife.wordpress.com/2011/03/26/plugging-out-plugging-in/

    and then this: http://starrlife.wordpress.com/2011/04/20/a-watched-pot/

    She is fabulous and those two posts got me thru my own recent iep-induced bleakness.

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  4. I'm hoping tomorrow (and onward) are better days! I understand so much of what you are talking about...especially the communication piece. It breaks my heart when I watch Sweet Pea trying so hard to tell me something and I just can't figure it out.

    Hugs!

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  5. HUGS friend... to you and Jack! And he is truly loved.

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  6. Lots of good thoughts and hugs sent to you and Jack tonight...What a hard day and even harder year for you guys. You are a strong, great mama, and things WILL get better!!
    Take good care
    Kristin

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  7. Hi Brandi, it just happen that I am looking 4 any article about teething with Down Syndrome babies because my girl has nothing and I came across your blog. This is my first time to post a comment. I was touched by your email because i have a daughter with down syndrome and she is 18 months today born 18/11/09. You mentioned that the premises of the song is "Really getting to a place beyond worries and stress".
    I got it through prayers! God has proven to me that there is nothing impossible to him. My daughter walks when she was 13 months and say some words now. her milestone is normal.she does what an 18 months old child do. When i had her I just told God that "you love this child more than i do" I will do whatever I need to do but do the rest" I thank God for giving her to me because I learned a lot about life through her. My values and priorites changes and I appreciate small things now, there is a new appreciateion of things that i did not pay attention before like walking i did not pay attention how my eldest walk all I know is that she walks but now for my girl I saw the stages how she was able to walk. it was amazing, Brandi Trust in God. Sometimess i do feel it is a previlege that I was given a child with DS. There is something in me why God will trust me to take care of achild with disability . This is not a coincidence that I have her this is the plan of God and I am willing to take this mission of taking care and loving her and the rest I leave it to God. We will never know what will happen tomorrow. These children has a mission why they are born, maybe to teach us.
    Jack is so cute, God Bless both of you. One day you will find the reason why Jack is given to you, but for now I will be praying for you and Jack. You are not alone. There is gem somewhere over the rainbow.

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  8. Sometimes we have these days. Remember Jer. 29:11: "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

    Hope and a future. Take comfort. Hold Jack and give him extra hugs. Jennifer

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  9. Thanks so much for this post. I've been feeling a bit like this myself lately, and I know I'm not alone, but it's nice to have that knowledge validated. I often wish I could just run off "over the rainbow" with my Jack too. Try to keep your chin up. Jack's such a cutie!

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  10. thank you for being so honest. It is so true yet so many keep it to themselves as if everything is always perfect. Its ok to have bad day and to want the best for our children. I am so sorry about the teaching leaving and I hate that he was sitting alone when you picked him up. I worry about William all ofthe time and wish I could protect him from the hurt and not always being accepted.
    I hope you are having a better day and week
    {{hugs}}

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