Wednesday, September 28, 2011

An update finally :)

September 28, 2011

I can’t believe it’s been a month since I have updated this blog!! I assure all of you we are doing just fine. Thank you for your facebook messages and emails checking in. The wifi at the new house isn’t that great, so it’s hard for me to get online and there is only so much I can do on my iphone. This will be a lengthy post since it has been so long since I have written anything. So…here goes.

We left St. Louis Labor Day weekend to begin our new lives in PA. Bittersweet doesn’t even begin to describe the emotions surrounding our departure. In the week that we left we said good bye to therapists, co-workers and friends, friends that have become family and a familiar life and city.

Girls from work - greatest CRAs in the world.  Love and miss all of you!!

Jack's therapists, an emotional night:

Last girls night at Chava's:

Jack and Uncle Chad:

And Jack and his beloved Lo Lo - leaving her was the hardest part of our move by far:

 I never thought I would be a city girl, but I must admit the conveniences of a large city were nice. I miss the city and the people very much. I would give anything to sit on the couch with Lo and Chad or walk around West County Mall or go get some FroYo. PA is quite different. It’s gorgeous for one – St. Louis is all city – not much landscape, so being in a city filled with green, mountains, fields, smaller buildings is quite nice and reminds me of home (TN). Jack has adjusted well to the new atmosphere. He has grown to love the dogs and when we are in the car he just stares out the window. I think he is completely taken by the cows and corn fields and lack of pollution - lol. Def pros and cons to every place. He is at a daycare during the day and so far seems to really enjoy it. Of course, I call non stop to check in on him, but he seems to be happy so that’s really all that matters. Living life with someone again is odd and good at the same time. It’s weird, but I feel like we should have been doing this all along. We, Daniel – Micah – me and Jack – are a little family. When Micah isn’t around and is with his mom it feels like something is missing and when he is around the puzzle is complete. The boys are a riot and I give props to you moms out there with multiple kiddos. We are exhausted after a weekend with 2 two year olds.

Painting - complete mess:

And learning how to discipline and love them equally is not always easy – well loving them equally is, but the disciplining is hard and something D and I are learning to navigate. And while it’s so nice for Jack to have a brother and someone to teach him things, it’s hard. It’s hard because Micah talks and walks and says “daddy” and “I love you” and “my tummy hurts”. Jack communicates but it is very basic. “More, All done, Hi, Bye, Eat, Drink, Food, Banana, Ball, Play, Please, Thank you, Chicken, Candy, Cookie, Cracker, Fruit, wash, etc” These are the words/signs that are used most frequently he uses to communicate. So when I hear sweet little Micah’s voice tell Daniel that he loves him, a war goes on in my soul. I am completely mush at hearing how much he loves his daddy and how much his daddy loves him and I am jealous as well. I know Jack loves me, but I can’t wait to hear the words. I can’t wait to hear Mommy all the time. I find myself longing and yearning more than ever when Micah is around – not yearning for Jack to be different – but yearning for the day when he and I can communicate with Jack like Daniel and Micah do. I know it will come, but being hit with it right now for the 1st time really. It’s hard. Lots of tears and prayers.

 I met with a new PT last night and she was great. I think she will do a wonderful job and I think Jack will love her. I meet with a special Instructor/speech Therapist next week so we will see how that goes. So much newness and change. I miss my girlfriends. I really really miss my girlfriends. I miss going to Jamie and Eric’s and talking on their floor while the kids tear up the place. I hope and pray for friends like them and so many others here in Easton.

And I thank God every single day for bringing me through this past year. Do you realize that a year ago right now – Sept 2010 – I was barely holding on? I was relying on my friends for their hearts to give, cause mine was completely broken. My life had shattered in a million pieces and I wondered if I would ever be happy or content – if we would ever find love – if I would be on this journey alone – and look what God has done. He has truly binded up my broken heart. I feel like I should write a book. I wish I had words to express my gratitude to all of you who held my hand, played with my son, hugged my neck over this past year. My cup overflows over and over again with love for all of you and gratefulness for all you have done. Jack and I are better people because of all of you.

And my sweet Jackers. He is starting to test his limits and get into mischief. It’s funny, hard and good at the same time. There are moments when I have to turn my head to laugh cause his madness is funny. There are moments I want to run away cause I don’t know what to do or because I am tired of hearing “aaaah” and there are moments when I am so glad he is being defiant cause it’s a sign of progression and understanding. However, I am used to doing – disciplining – all alone and while it’s nice to have help it’s also hard to accept help. If Daniel looks at Jack wrong, Jack puckers out that lip and starts crying and the mommy in me wants to grab him and hold him tight. He isn’t used to a man or a man’s voice – and I want to comfort him. So finding the line and boundary there is not easy. Lots to learn here. Lots to think about and lots to adjust to. But we are happy and are a family and are truly blessed to be where we are and be who we are with. Daniel is an incredible dad and man. He works so hard and is so thoughtful about how he parents and how he loves. He makes me laugh every single day and accepts and loves all my goofyness. I can't believe how much I love and care for him.  In love doesn't begin to describe how I feel. 

Jack attacking D - he loves his wiskers :)

This past weekend we were on the couch holding the boys and Micah was talking away. I started crying. Daniel kept asking what was wrong and finally I said, “I wish I could talk to him (Jack)” I cried and cried and squeezed Jack. Daniel said, “you have an amazing son and he will talk to you soon and he knows that you love him and he understands the things you say. He will get there” wow. Thank you God for a man like him to speak and say those things to me when I need to hear them. And then he hugged me and told me he loved me and Jack. Graciousness. Humbleness. Love. Peace. This is our life. This is what I have prayed and longed for. Now if only I could find some girlies to dance and drink margaritas with!! ;)

Sweet boys and the dining room that we made into a playroom - what in the world would we do with a dining room - it would just collect dust, so playroom - welcome.  Lots of laughs and blood and scrapes and pee and poop will be had in you :)

1 comment:

  1. so happy to see you are back and sounds like you are doing great, you heart has changed so much and it is beautiful to see the transformation from someone so broken to now...happy and content.

    Jack will tell you many things in time to come, although it is hard at times, know he understands even if he may not express what he feels in words he loves you

    I will come have a margarita with ya' lol

    enjoy your time with your boys