Friday, December 10, 2010

Unconditional Love

Seasons' Greetings.

I typically love this time of year, but I think it’s going to take a few Christmas’ for Jack and I to get the hang of it.

Tree is up, Stocking are hung and I’ve tried to watch White Christmas a few times.  My sweet Jack is making me remember the important things though.

 Laying under the tree is amazing, apparently!
this kid loves socks!

  No matter your religious background or current standing, I think there is something magical about celebrating Christmas.  Growing up I always wondered how in the world God could love someone like me.  Then I had my Jack and was amazed by the love I instantly had for him.  It’s so bizarre too, cause the love you have for your child is unlike any other.  I mean we grow to love people and we love those we marry over time.  I suppose a few of us have had instant connections, but still the love with our friends, spouses, significant others is a love that grows and even changes.  Not with your child.  As soon as I gave birth to my sweet Jack I knew I had all the love in me that he would ever need.  I knew that come hell or high water, that I would do anything in the world for him.  I loved him instantly with a love that would last a lifetime and he did nothing to warrant that.  He was wrinkly, crying, and only a few minutes old – but I loved him.  And it sank in with me then – that is how God must love me.  I have never done anything to deserve his love or warrant it, but he does anyway.   So I comforted by that this season. 

We went to our local Down Syndrome’s Association Christmas Party last weekend.   

 Jack playing on the mat


Thank goodness my down syndrome soul mates were there – Barrett and Brian.  I won’t lie.  It was hard.  It was very hard.  I cried a lot after coming home.  It was overwhelming seeing so many individuals with all levels of functioning and various ages in the same room.  I looked at Jack and Aiden and thought – surely they will be more like so and so (the higher functioning adults).  I know that is awful to say, but that’s your human response.  You want the best for your child and sometimes the best is clouded with normalcy. 

 Me and Jack, Barrett and Aiden

I know that even if Jack and Aiden are lower functioning that Barrett and I will love them still – that will never change. Our love for them isn’t dependent upon what they do or how they act.  But it’s hard.  The future and the unknown is hard.  And at that party and afterwards I was pretty upset with that extra chromosome.  I was scared of the future and I looked at my sweet Jack (who has 4 signs btw ) and cried – because I want a rich, full life for him.  And I will provide that for him and fight for him to have that.  And no matter what – my love for him will always be as great as the first day we met.  My love for him breaks me in 2 and humbles me to no end.  So this Christmas it will just be me and Jack and I will tell him the story of a baby in a manger and we will read and sing together and start our own tradition.  My folks come up for 2 weeks and I can’t wait.  I can’t wait to hear my dad yell at the TV about football or watch my mom make a mess in the kitchen.  And I can’t wait to wake up Christmas morning with them and my son.  Tears fall. I am blessed.  And we are OK.

Merry Christmas all.  18 month update coming soon!

2 comments:

  1. I love how your trying to keep Christmas as "normal" as can be for Jack. Such a wonderful mommy.

    Your thoughts on God's love for us is spot on.

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  2. I was reading through your blog the other day and wanted to leave a comment. Your Jack is adorable! His pictures make me smile, he's just so cute. I also wanted to tell you I think you are an amazingly strong woman and your son is blessed to have you as a Mother :)

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